Almost 21 years ago, in the early days of my first pastorate in rural Indiana, I made a resolution that would from time to time cause a considerable amount of discomfort for me and for others. I decided way back in 1988 that I would not marry divorced persons who were seeking to remarry.
My reasoning was, and still is, simple. Jesus stated very clearly God's intention for marriage to be for life. Some Pharisees asked him if it was lawful for a man to divorce his wife, pointing out that Moses allowed for it. "It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law," Jesus replied. "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." (Mark 10:5-9, NIV)
A little while later, in a more private setting, Jesus' disciples asked him about this matter. He answered them, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery." (Mark 10:11-12, NIV)
Hearing Jesus speak these difficult but plain words, I came to the conclusion that it would not be right for me as a Christ-following pastor to encourage a joining together of two people who would, according to Jesus, be entering into an adulterous relationship.
Do not imagine that this was an easy choice to make. I wrestled with it for many days. I knew the heartache that would come as a result of it. I knew the hurt others would experience. I knew the harsh words I would have to endure. But God had spoken through his Son. I could not just ignore the conviction he had placed in my heart as I read his words. I had no choice, really. I could not do other than what he had said to me. God is my boss, my judge, my ultimate authority. He drew a line in the sand which I have chosen not to cross. Despite pressure, sometimes extreme pressure, I have not bent on this issue.
That is not to say that I have not become more gracious and gentle in approaching the subject. At first I was a bit defensive about my conviction. I don't recall all that I said, but I'm pretty sure it was less compassionate than it should have been. The angry words directed at me on more than one occasion were likely not just about what Jesus said, but also about how I had reported his words and announced my decision not to marry them. I'm sure I came across as judgmental, condemning, harsh to several couples.
To every couple who comes to me today to be married after one or the other has been divorced, I say these words after sharing with them Jesus' words: "I love you and want God’s best for you. I cannot, however, marry you because of what Jesus said. I feel like I would be encouraging you to enter into a relationship that Jesus says is wrong. Please understand that I am not judging you at all. It is not a personal issue with you. I've said this to many couples in your situation. If you choose to get married and another pastor performs the ceremony, I will not think, 'Adulterers!' every time I see you. I will love you and care for you as I would any other married couple. I will pray for the success of your marriage. I just cannot marry you myself. My conscience won't allow it."
If you have been divorced and remarried, I hope you heard my heart for you in those words. I do not judge you. I am, like you, a sinner in constant need of God's grace. The words of Jesus on many other topics rebuke me and correct me often.
If you have struggled with Jesus' words, I urge you to go to him with your heart wounds. Be open and honest with him. Tell him your feelings about his words. Express your frustration and anger and fear and doubts. Repent of sin if you need to. Then allow him to heal you. Allow him to forgive you. Allow him to express his deep, deep love for you. Allow him to give you grace and grant you peace.
To a woman caught in adultery Jesus spoke these words. "...neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin." (John 10:11, NIV) Those words are a comfort to me as a sinner. Let them encourage you and direct you.
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