Who goes first?

You know me. I get on a kick and can't get off of it. Love and Respect is so good I had to share another bit from the chapter, She Fears Being a Doormat.

As we think about stopping the Crazy Cycle, who makes the first move? As a wife, whatever you do, don't say, "Emerson is right. I need your love, so start loving me and I'll show you respect." That simply won't work because that attitude is in itself disrespectful, and it triggers an unloving reaction. You are making your husband responsible for both the love and respect in the marriage. He will simply shut down.

On the other side, as a husband, never say, "Emerson is right. If you respect me, all will be well and I will be more loving." That won't work either because that attitude is in itself unloving, and it triggers a disrespectful reaction. You are making your wife responsible for both the love and respect in the marriage. She will simply shut down.

So who should make the first move? In our marriage conferences, I explain that I prayed about this, and here is the answer God gave me: the one who sees himself or herself as the most mature. You see you can't wait for your spouse to go first, even though it's preferable. All of us want our spouse to be the first to start doing the respecting or the loving. But can you afford to wait passively for this to happen, like some kind of neutral bystander? Can a husband wait for his wife to respect him before he becomes more loving? Can a wife wait for a husband to really love her so she will then show him respect?

The fear, of course, is that you will show love or respect to your spouse, as the case may be, and bet a bad response. So you tend to pull back, waiting for the other person to move first. But what are your options? Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

(p. 74-75)